Saturday, December 26, 2009

Cooped in. Feeling guilty.

The day started productively enough. Some snow shoveling. A workout at the gym. Time spent with a couple needing some coaching. Then a trip to the grocery store.

Now six hours later not much has beeen accomplished. Just laying around. Watching TV. The tail end of Goodfellas and 10,000 B.C. (not highly recommended).

It's a good day to lay around. The snow around here keeps falling. Some estimates are around ten inches. Too slick to be driving around. And so we're cooped in. Because I wasted time instead of being productive with it I'm feeling a guilty.

You see, I have a to do list as long as my arm. There's all kind of things I could be doing, maybe even should be doing. But I'm not doing any of it. I'm procrastinating. So I'm dealing with the guilt of it all.

If truth be known I'm also feeling guilty about feeling guilty. (that good old Catholic School indoctrination kicks in again). Feeling guilty about feeling guilty. Does that even make sense? I think I put the fun back in dysfunction.

Very simply, I'm programmed to want to feel and be productive. When I'm not I get the sense that I'm disappointing someone. Often that person is me. It's a stupid way to live.

So, instead of accepting the fact that it's OK to do nothing I get these little waves of anxiousness that flow over me. I'm thinking "What if something falls through the cracks?" or something like that. It's all pretty silly because things always fall through the cracks.

So I'm cooped in and feeling a little guilty about not using my time wisely. What if this was the day God intended for me to discover and implement world peace? What if I missed the opportunity?

To add to my misery Anita's is in the final throws of her book project. So, while I'm idling away my hours she's pounding away on her keyboard trying to meet deadline. Her example adds to my exasperation. And my example will probably prompt her to add another chapter. This one about 'lazy husbands'.

This is one of those days when I feel like I'm in the middle of a Seinfied episode. I'm blogging about not much of anything and there's actually people who will read it because they're wasting their time too. Misery loves company I guess.

The good news is that it's almost time to shovel and snowblow again. The snow is tapering off. Finally, usefulness. There's something about a clean driveway that builds self-worth. One can look back at the end of a day and say with some confidence 'at least I accomplished something today.'

So, I'm getting ready to jump start the snowblower. Driven by guilt I'll probably do the neighbor's walks too. They'll think I'm a good Samaritan. What they don't know won't hurt them?


Anonymous said...

interesting post. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Mike said...

I haven't made the leap to tweet yet. You can follow me on Facebook by becoming a fan of the blog.

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