The last time I spoke at length to a singles group on the subject of Love, Relationships, and Sex a woman, mid to late 60's, stood up and declared in a loud voice, "Do you mean to tell me that you're asking me to buy a suit without trying it on?" That busted up the crowd and slowed my momentum for sure.
Even though a talk is about relationships, love, and sex everyone and I mean everyone zeroes in on ‘sex’. And we only want to hear those things about 'sex' that don’t undermine the way we live our lives.
Even in the Christian community men and women reserve the right to be 'god' over certain segments of their life. They say 'yes' to God only if it doesn't infringe on what they 'feel' about a certain issue. Truth doesn't matter. God's best doesn't matter. We reseserve the right to do our own thing in our own way in our own timing. We want God but on our terms, not His. I know people who love God but are reckless with their finances. My tendency is to waste time and talent. In the Christian singles community matters of relationships, love, and sex are often off limits to God. Casual relationships, sex outside of marriage, confusing love with infatuation are OK because they bring us short term fulfillment. After all, live for today. Who knows about tomorrow?
And so, this series I’m embarking on is fraught with peril.
Most of the people I work with and love have been divorced. They've experienced, for sure, some physical intimacy in their life. It's a strong drive. A drive that is not easily abated.
Some have told me that easy and frequent sex is expected even in the Christian singles community. The notion is that if it feels good, do it. It doesn't matter what God says. The surge of the sex drive trumps God's guidance. The urgency of the here and now, the temptation of our 'sexy' society, and the drumbeat of secular guru's are loud, incessant voices that often get the best of even the well meaning.
I understand the pull of all of this. So do you. We are sinful people. We turn our back on God in some very habitual ways. We are created for relationship, structured for intimacy. The biblical narrative instructs us to find comfort in a relationship with God and in the community of faith.
The problem is that, at times, this ‘faith’ business is hard work. It requires sacrifice, obedience, and jump off the cliff responses. It’s about trust when we don’t want to trust anybody or anything. And so, we avoid what’s hard and oftentimes just go with what’s convenient. In the process, we ignore the long-term negative consequences that accompany thumbing our nose at God.
The truth is that it's hard to say 'no' unless there's a bigger 'yes' beating in our hearts. I believe that the issues I'm talking about will never get resolved until people 'convert' ...giving themselves completely to a living God who wants the best for their lives, all areas of their lives.
So, what do I say to single adults about love, sex, and relationships? It starts with the themes of biblical text. “Repent, flee from sin, trust God, don’t listen to the gurus of a sex crazed culture, create community, follow Jesus, believe that God is bigger than your desires and circumstances, don’t flirt with temptation …”
Some will buy it. Many won’t. Some will say that God has disappointed them in the past. I will wonder if it was God or religion that disappointed.
The problem is that every time I see someone give in to their desires I see them later regretting their decisions. Men who look at every woman as a conquest never live up to their God-given relational potential. They carry the imprint of every sexual escapade into their next relationship and it keeps them from giving themselves fully to anybody. Women who give themselves away never get what they yearn for deep inside. They crave relationship, safety and intimacy and instead settle for men who don’t want relationship, who aren’t safe and who don’t know what commitment means. Intimacy can't be created in that kind of environment.
So, it’s going to be an interesting series. Fraught with peril. Can’t wait to see what God does with all of this.
21 comments:
I waited until I was married to have physical imtimacy because I considered my sexuality a precious gift from God,to be shared only with the person I married.(Today's society would call me a freak ,I guess) Just because I am now in the very spot that I used to thank God I did not have to be in...that of single adult who wants companionship...why would I change my conviction? The stories I heard from those who have already experienced being newly single were depressing. Our sex focused society tells us to compromise who we are and what we believe in, to sell ourselves short, rather than live in the pain of loneliness. This is a culture that dictates "it's all about me" and ignores the fact that we are community, and what we do affects others. I feel very alienated from this culture and I would rather stand alone with the presence of God, than compromise. I know this is not a very popular way of thinking or living , so I expect to be lonely, mighty lonely.
Mike,
Can you tell us where in the Bible it states that sex is sinful unless one is married . I have read many things that say don't get together with a married person, or one that was divorced. I haven't found, "don't have sex outside of marriage". Maybe I skipped that part!!
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-sum/sum-f001.html
You're not going to find a passage that says 'If you're a 40ish single don't have sex with another 40ish single." But you will find plenty of Scriptures about avoiding sexual immorality, fleeing sin ...Jesus told the woman at the well (who was fairly promiscuous) ...Go, sin no more.
Tell me more about why you're asking. It sounds like this might be a struggle in your life.
To the first post. There's lot of people who think the way you think. No need to be lonely. Also, there's a fair number of people who will disagree with you but won't force you to abandon your beliefs. I'm sure lots of folks in our singles group will have problems with what I say. I'm still hoping they'll respect me enough to say what I believe and not try to force me into believing what they believe.
Perhaps people have a problem with what you might say, Mike, because they want to legitimize their sin, rationalise that if doesn't specifically prohibit it in Scripture, then it's OK. People want it their way, so they feel the need to convince thenseleves that this is God's way too. The 10 Commandments include "Thou Shalt not Kill" and while most of us can say we never have killed anyone , so we've obeyed that Commandment, many of us have been "killing" ourselves with overindulgence in food, drink, drugs,sex, etc. Or some have direspected the value of life at the beginning or the end. A deep examination of conscience looks beyond the literal translation of those words, "Thou Shalt Not Kill"
So,as you pointed out, Mike, Scripture looks at sexual immorality as sinful, without specifically saying only married people can have sexual intimacy. We strugggle with this because it is hard to deny ourselves.
Thanks for answering my question. (This feels like the movie, "You've got mail!)
It took me a long time to find your blog tonight, I thought you decided against it and then I found it. So I am sure I have some struggles with this issue. But let's go back to the woman at the well. I have the impression she was more of a prostitute. That is different than a committed relationship between 2 people. There are a lot of good reasons to abstain from sex outside of marriage ranging from, it keeps your life less complicated emotionally, mentally and physically and maybe spirituality too, to name just a few. I do get that. On the other hand the Bible states so many of God's directives very clearly and often repeatedly. I am surprised that this one would be more of a reading between the lines.
I don't think it's a reading between the lines. It's clear. Very clear. But for those who want a definitive quote from God ... they'll have to read the whole of Scripture. The question I have is this: Why wouldn't people in a committed relationship choose to get married? I've watched far too many relationships fall apart. There is no 'covenant'. It seems like God asks those who are committed to bind themselves together in marriage. In fact, I don't know anyone who loves God, loves another person who doesn't end up in marriage.
I also have wondered why people in a committed relationship don't get married. Is it because they want the freedom to easily "move on" when things get tough, when the relationship is challenging? Do they move on to another temporary "committed relationship", which grants them the right to sexual intimacy, until that one hits stormy seas? Each breakup leaves emotional debris...
'Emotional debris'. Great phrase. That's one of the consequences of doing our own thing in relationships. Some people get used to living that way. It's their normal. That saddens me.
Mike-it's real easy to say right on when you're not in a relationship but having your words and actions be the same is difficult once in a relationship. When I've been in a relationship and it starts to go towards intimacy and we have "the talk" it seems like we both agree on the subject but then he ends up ending the relationship. The next guy I tell by the third date where I stand he agrees but I can't get him to even kiss me and I don't want to see like my actions and words don't equal up by planting one on him. Both men were strong Christinas. While I don't want to "try on the bathing suit" but at the same time, I would like to see if we do have some chemistry. So how do you see if you have chemistry and some passion without going against God's word? Doesn't some intimacy as long as it's not too soon in a relationship help build trust and a connection?
Hebrew 13:4 "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled;..."
1 Cor. 6:9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God."
I love Scripture ...as you must. Take a look at 1 Cor. 13 ...the love stuff ...lean in the direction of loving, caring, and grace.
We all sin. We all fall short. Sometimes we make sexual sin the be all and end all. I waste time. That's a sin. I don't live up to my potential. That's not good.
One of my fears with this series is that someone might walk away and think that 'sex' is the big and only issue. It's one of many in the realtionship realm that we all have to deal with.
As I understand God's word ...his grace is open to us all. The reason we're doing the series is to help people tak a look at how they live against what God would have them do. Then we'll see what God does.
Thanks Mike.
I am looking forward to hearing the discussions. May God lead your discussion in wonderful and powerful ways. May he give you strength to say the right words and may we at Higher Ground have our hearts and ears open to hearing it. May we also not look down on others who don't agree necessarily believe the way we do but provide us an opportunity to discuss and lead each other.
Lorri
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