Sick. All through the day yesterday I was starting to get achy. Last night I was just so tired. Laid down and then the chills hit. Of course, that’s a precursor to high fever. Thankfully, the fever broke after a few hours. Today, I’m recovering. Napping. Taking it easy. Beat. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow but today is one of those ‘blah’ recovery days where energy and desire are both low.
Not too many years ago I would have forged ahead and gutted ‘today’ out. I wouldn’t have adjusted my schedule but instead forced myself to go ‘full steam ahead’. Perhaps age and wisdom have truly wedded together somewhere deep inside me. If so, it’s certainly taken long enough.
It’s funny though. I have so much to do. Seriously, a lot. My to-do list is as long as my arm and both legs. And even though I know I don’t have the energy to really deal with much of anything (except writing my blog of course) I’m feeling discouraged about my lack of productivity. Instead of cutting myself slack, I’m heaping on guilt.
Maybe it’s shades of my Catholic upbringing and evangelical nurturing. “ If nothing else works,” I think I was taught,” start feeling guilty about something. “ Then, if memory serves correctly one is to “beat yourself up for not living up to expecations.”
I’ve been taught well how ‘to do’. I’m learning how ‘to be’.
If life has taught me anything it’s that ‘to do’ never ends and is a very exacting taskmaster. ‘To be’ is an art form that is only taught by the Spirit. “Come to me”, the Scripture says, “and learn the unforced rhythms of grace.”
Sickness is a show stopper and it’s a reality revealer. When I just can’t summon the energy ‘to do’ I’m reminded about how much of my life ‘doing’ has consumed. And in the ‘doing’ I lose touch with just ‘being’.
I’ll get to my ‘to do’ list I’m sure. Hopefully, I won’t disappoint too many people in the process. But in the present moment which is all I’m really guaranteed I need to deal with what is immediately before me and the good God who is here with me. In truth, that’s all any of us can do. We practice the sacrament of the present moment. And then we let tomorrow deal with tomorrow.